


An Autumn Song

by kulina



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Gen, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-07-28 18:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16247153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kulina/pseuds/kulina
Summary: Awsten's going to kill himself tomorrow.





	1. The Gloom

The apartment was quiet. Jawn was moving around the kitchen a little; Awsten could hear that much. But other than that, there was no sound. No friends over, no TV, no music on, nothing. 

Awsten loved the quiet. Any sound served as an annoyance the same way any light did. Judging by the clock on the nightstand, it was around noon, but with the curtains tightly shut, Awsten would have believed that it was the middle of the night. 

A gentle knock at the door broke the silence. “Awsten? Are you awake?”

Awsten exhaled heavily. Fuck Jawn and his little plates of food and his pleas of ‘we can watch whatever you want’ and ‘can I at least open the blinds for you?’ and ‘why won’t you let me take you to see a doctor?’ and ‘if you would just try therapy…’ 

Jawn cracked the door open even though Awsten hadn’t answered. “Aws?” He paused for a moment, squinting into the blackness, and then sighed quietly. “I know you’re up. I can tell.” 

Grudgingly, Awsten lifted his eyelids just enough to peek out of them. 

Jawn smiled gently. “Heyyy. There he is.” He held up a bowl and two spoons. “Obviously, the sandwich thing hasn’t been working, so I thought I’d try ice cream.”

Awsten made a face.

“I know, I know, you health freak, but everybody loves some Ben & Jerry’s. Even you. You can’t hide that from me.”

“‘m not hungry,” Awsten mumbled. It was the first time he’d used his voice in over thirty-six hours, and it sounded as weak and scratchy as it felt.

“Well, _I_ am. And you’re going to let me sit with you while I eat it and tell you all about how delicious it is.”

“No,” Awsten sighed emptily, turning onto his other side.

“Ohhh no you don’t,” Jawn said, and footsteps rushed over just before the bed dipped and Jawn's familiar weight settled beside him. “God, it’s fucking dark in here. I’m gonna trip over some clothes and break my neck.” He joked, “I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Get me to stop nagging you all the time, right? But seriously, it's too dark."

The bed returned to normal, and then there was a ripping sound. A flood of light entered the room, and Awsten let out a groan, tugging the covers up over his face. 

“Awsten, I opened them like three inches, okay? Not all the way,” Jawn assured gently. “I know you hate that. But I can’t see, dude, and you need the light. You really do. Your vitamins are probably all…”

Awsten didn’t need to look to know that Jawn was waving his right hand around as he tried to find a word. 

“What do I tell you, though? Seriously. I’m only bugging you because…?"  Awsten couldn't be bothered to reply, but Jawn pressed, "I said, _because…_ ”

“Because you care,” Awsten filled in blandly. He could feel his own hot breath bounce back at him, trapped beneath the covers with him. He wished Jawn would shut the fuck up.

“That’s right.” Jawn pulled the blankets down. “I’m not gonna sit here while you suffocate. Come on, man.” 

“Please go away,” Awsten whispered, but there was no malice in his tone.

Jawn fell quiet. 

“I want to be alone.” 

“I know you do,” Jawn murmured. He reached a hand out to lightly touch Awsten’s shoulder. “I’ll leave as soon as I’m done eating, okay?”

Awsten shut his eyes. 

“You sure you don’t want some ice cream?” Jawn pleaded. “There’s so much in the freezer. I got like four flavors… this one’s Half Baked, cause I know it’s your favorite, but I got strawberry cheesecake, and pistachio, and... what else... Oh, the one with the little fish in it, too.”

Silence.

“Okay,” Jawn whispered. Awsten could hear him pull another spoonful into his mouth. 

Sooner than Awsten had expected, Jawn murmured the announcement that he’d finished. 

“If you change your mind, or if you want something else, just tell me, okay?” He leaned down and, to Awsten’s surprise, pressed a kiss into Awsten’s greasy hair. “Love you, man. Text me if you need anything. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Awsten swallowed, trying to force the words to stop repeating in his head. 

_Love you, man._

_Love you, man._

_Love you._

The only mercy was the fact that Jawn had closed the curtains again, plunging the room back into darkness. That was enough to get Awsten to forgive him for leaving door cracked open. 

_Love you, man._

Tiredly, Awsten eyed the nightstand drawer where the suicide note he’d penned the night before was resting.

_Love you._


	2. The Past

Awsten woke slowly. He could tell without even moving that, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel dirty. His hair felt soft and healthy, his teeth were slippery, and a glance at his fingers proved that the grime he’d grown used to taking shelter under his nails had vanished. His bedroom door was still cracked a few inches open the way Jawn had left it, but at some point, the curtains had been flung wide open. 

Awsten yawned, strangely not bothered by the sunshine streaming into the space. He sat up and was immediately overwhelmed by the normalcy that he felt. There was no dread twisting in his stomach and none of the self-hatred he’d grown so accustomed to. No anger, no sadness, no fear. He felt rested. He felt clear-headed. He felt like he had a few months ago, like he had before all of this darkness had crawled into his soul and settled there, heavy as a stone in his chest. He brought his hands up to cover his mouth, just relishing in the new state. Clean and light and wonderful. Like he could handle getting up and walking into the bathroom to turn the shower on and rinse himself off. Like he could manage to eat. Like he could even walk outside to his car and drive to the grocery store and pay a stranger for some orange juice.

“Jawn?” he called. Maybe he could take his roommate up on that ice cream now.

“Hi.”

Awsten flinched at the voice and then scrambled backwards towards his pillows. Sitting cross-legged on the side of his bed was a boy, maybe fifteen years old. He had on skinny jeans, a zip sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, and a pair of black, fingerless gloves.

“Who the fuck are you?” Awsten exclaimed. “How did you get in here?” 

“I’m Alex.”

Awsten raised his voice. “JAWN! WHY THE HELL IS THERE A KID IN MY ROOM?”

“He can’t hear you,” the boy noted.

“What do you mean, he can’t hear me? What the hell did you do to him?!” Awsten shoved the covers back, got to his feet, and started to hurry out of the room, but before he got more than two feet away, the boy caught him by the arm. 

Awsten immediately froze. The kid’s fingers gave him the strangest sensation… They didn’t feel solid against Awsten’s skin; the contact felt more like warm honey. In his mind’s eye, Awsten saw a flash of dust particles floating through a beam of light in a sun-soaked kitchen. “Okay, what the fuck,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m Alex,” the boy repeated. 

“Are you a ghost?” 

“Um…”

A horrified but intrigued look crossed Awsten’s face. “Wait - are you an alien?!”

“Ghost is closer,” Alex offered. 

“Well, what the fuck are you doing in my bedroom?”

The kid laughed awkwardly and looked down at his lap. 

“I mean, this is my apartment. I think I kind of have a right to know,” Awsten pressed. 

“No, you do. I just, um. I’ve never done this before.”

“This?”

“A… mission. You’re my first mission.” 

Awsten stood still, waiting for an elaboration.

When Alex realized that Awsten wasn’t going to talk, he sighed and said, “Try not to freak out, okay? I’m here to help you.”

“Well, you already told me you’re a ghost, so I’d say I’m doing a pretty damn good job of not freaking out.” 

“I said ghost was _close_ ,” the kid pointed out. "I'm not actually a ghost."

“Whatever.”

“No, it’s kind of not whatever. Um… I’m…” He shook his head and then looked up at the ceiling. To the white paint, he asked, “Do I really have to explain all this?” 

Awsten followed Alex’s gaze, but he didn’t see anything.

Alex huffed and returned his focus to Awsten. “Look, I’m your guardian angel, okay? For now, at least. I’m-”

“My _what?_ ” 

“Your guardian angel,” Alex repeated. “Once you’ve been in Heaven ten years, you start getting assignments. If you’re ready. And I guess they really thought I was ready, because t-”

“Guardian angel,” Awsten repeated slowly. Then he shook his head. “No. No way, dude.”

Alex rolled his eyes and tugged his hood down, and there, maybe two inches above his head, ever so thin and delicate, floated a glowing, golden circle. 

“No _way,”_ Awsten repeated. “Why are you here? I mean, who sent you?”

“God.” 

Awsten scoffed, finally giving up on rationalizing the craziness he was hearing. “God’s not real.”

“He is,” Alex countered with a shrug. “Trust me, I was surprised, too. I mean - well, not as surprised as you, cause I guess I believed enough to make it to Heaven, so. But yeah, um, God sent me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” He tugged on the strings of his sweatshirt. “I didn’t think I’d get any assignments for a long time. Like, maybe ever.”

“No, I mean, why did someone get sent to _me_?”

“Oh.” Alex gave him a half-smile. “You know why.”

“No, I don’t. I really don’t.” 

Alex eyed the nightstand drawer.

Self-consciously and automatically, Awsten stepped sideways to block it from Alex’s view. 

Alex let go of his strings and opened his fists to reveal a mishmash of tiny, multi-colored pills. There were so many that Alex’s hands couldn’t hold them all, and they spilled over his palms onto Awsten’s comforter, clicking together as they fell and piled up on the fabric. 

“No-” Awsten hissed. 

“God loves you so much that he knows how many hairs are on your head. There are a hundred and eight thousand, four hundred and twenty-nine of them right now. All of which we cleaned for you, by the way. You’re welcome. And you love these pills so much that you know how many there are of them, too. You snuck and saved and stored every one, right? I know you check on them every once in a while. I've seen you.” 

Awsten cast his eyes down. 

“How many are there?” Alex raked his fingers through the medicine, zigzagging as he went. 

Silence.

“Two… come on, I know you know.”

“Two hundred and forty-one,” Awsten whispered. 

“Two hundred and forty-one,” Alex repeated, nodding. “That’s enough to kill you four times.” He held up one of the red ones. “Twelve of these alone would be the end.” 

“That’s the point,” Awsten spat. His heart was beating so hard in his chest that he felt like he was heating up.

“And that’s why I’m here,” Alex replied easily. He crawled across to the edge of the mattress, and as he passed over the pills, they disappeared. 

“To try to stop me?”

“Not necessarily. I’m here to show you something. Actually - three somethings.” He walked to the door and pushed it open. “Come on.” 

Cautiously, Awsten followed him. They only made it a few feet before Alex held up a hand.

Jawn was sitting on the couch with a cell phone pressed to his ear, a laptop open on the coffee table in front of him, and several pieces of paper scattered about. 

“No,” Awsten hissed again, grabbing onto Alex’s sleeve and trying to drag him backwards.

At a normal volume, Alex told Awsten, “He can’t see us. Or hear us.”

Awsten couldn't help but notice that Jawn hadn't reacted to Alex's voice. Awsten lightly snapped his fingers to test the statement again.

No reaction from Jawn.

“Jawn?” Awsten tried anyway, but he didn’t even glance over.

“No, he can’t,” Jawn was saying into the phone. “He’s asleep… Yes, I’m sure… Because I just checked on him two minutes ago, and he was passed the fuck out. He sleeps for twelve, fifteen hours at a time, okay? This is his normal. And it’s the opposite of healthy." He sighed. "But look, I'm calling you because I called a doctor late last night to ask what I should do, and when I told him what was going on, he said this is a mental health crisis. A _crisis_ , Geoff. He wanted me to bring him to the goddamn _emergency room_. I told him I didn’t even think I could get him to the fucking car.”

Jawn was quiet for a moment, listening. He dropped his head into his free hand, and Awsten knew from the way he was pressing on his eyes that tears had welled up inside them. 

“Yeah… you’re right. It’s a good idea. But I don’t know if he could even stay awake long enough…” 

Awsten shifted uncomfortably.

He scoffed. “Otto has a real job. He can’t come here then.” Jawn’s shoulders dropped. “No, I know… I know. I just - you guys haven’t seen him in a week. He’s worse than he’s ever been. Ever. He hasn't showered, and he definitely hasn't brushed his teeth. I - I don’t think he’s eaten in two whole days.” He sniffed. “He actually talked to me today, which was a huge step up. To tell me to get the hell out, but still, he fucking talked to me, and I - I was so happy,” Jawn said, his voice breaking. 

As Awsten watched, he felt his heart breaking in two. He’d been so lost in his own head that he’d hardly thought about what he’d been putting Jawn through. And to think that Jawn cared so much and had grown so desperate that he would see Awsten snapping at him as something positive…

“I know,” Jawn whispered, letting an ashamed sob shake its way out. “Yeah… Yeah, that would be good. I need to fucking sleep, you know? I’m up all the time, trying to be there for him, but I’m so tired, Geoff, I’m so fucking tired…” Jawn pulled the phone away from his ear and gently tapped the screen to set the phone on speaker. He used his sleeve to wipe his eyes.

“Get some rest,” Geoff’s crackly voice said, and Awsten’s stomach twinged at the warmth in his tone. Suddenly, he missed Geoff so much that it hurt. “Go ahead and lie down, because I’ll be over in like twenty minutes. I’m grabbing some stuff and leaving right now.” 

“Bring headphones,” Jawn suggested, wiping at the wet streaks on his skin. “He gets really agitated if there’s noise, and I don’t want him to yell at you.”

Awsten blushed and looked down at his bare feet.

“I think he’s too tired to yell this week,” Jawn continued, “but even if he doesn’t show it, noise might still make him feel the same inside, and-”

“Slow down,” Geoff soothed. “It’s alright, dude. Don’t worry, okay? Go take a break. I’ll be there soon.” 

Urgency made its way into his tone. “No, I - I have to wait til you get here. I can’t-”

“Jawn. You said he’s asleep.”

“But what if he wakes up?” Jawn asked weakly. “What if he-” He sniffed. “What if he does something, and I’m not there to stop him? I’ll never forgive myself.”

“I can’t watch this,” Awsten said, turning abruptly and heading back into his room. 

“Awsten - no, wait,” Alex pleaded. 

Awsten slammed the door in his face, leaving him stranded out in the hallway. Or so he thought; when Awsten looked up, Alex was sitting right back on the bed where he’d started. Outside the window, the sun had nearly set.

“What the hell was that?” Awsten demanded. “Why did you show me that?”

“That was the past.” 

Awsten blinked. “What?” Wasn’t that the same red shirt Jawn had been wearing when he barged into Awsten’s room with the bowl of ice cream?

“The past,” Alex repeated. 

“No, that’s today.”

“Yeah, but that was six hours ago. Jawn came in to try to get you to eat, remember?”

“Yeah…”

“Right. And you fell asleep after that. That’s when Jawn made the phone call.”

“So am I asleep right now?”

“Um…” Alex glanced up at the ceiling again as if he were listening for an answer. “Your body is.”

“Who are you talking to?” 

Alex smiled and looked away. 

“Who is it?”

“You already know the answer to that,” Alex responded. 

In the distance, the front door to the apartment opened and quietly closed, and Awsten’s eyes immediately snapped in the direction of the sound. 

“You can go out there if you want,” Alex offered. "They still won't be able to detect you."

“What’s going on?”

“Well, we’re back in the present now,” Alex explained. “Otto just got here. They’re about to start.”

“Who’s about to start what?”

Alex walked back and opened the door. “Let’s go see.” He motioned out to the living room. “After you.” 


	3. The Present

Before they managed to make it through the doorway, Alex and Awsten were halted by a body appearing and blocking them in. Awsten stumbled backwards a step as not to crash into it but then stilled and stared as a familiar face stopped just inches away from him. 

Geoff peered past the unlikely pair into the darkening room, his eyes trained intently on Awsten’s bed.

“Is he looking at me?” Awsten breathed.

“In real life? Yeah.” 

“I’m sleeping?”

“Yep.”

Awsten closed his eyes and internally groaned. “God, that is so fucking embarrassing.” 

“If you live, he won’t tell you for six years,” Alex said quietly, “but he’s going to remember this moment. For the rest of his life.” 

“Watching me sleep?”

Alex nodded solemnly.

“Fuck,” Awsten muttered.

For a long moment, Geoff stared at Awsten’s physical body, and Awsten used his invisible body to stare back at Geoff. Geoff seemed taller than Awsten remembered, and his eyes were even more blue. 

“Goddammit,” Geoff finally whispered, tearing his gaze from the sleeping boy and turning away, pulling the door behind himself as he went.

Alex gave Awsten a little shove to get him out into the entry before Geoff could trap him inside, and he materialized next to Awsten again instantly as Geoff took care to close the door as silently as possible.

“He still asleep?” Otto asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Geoff replied.

Awsten was expecting Jawn to insert a _told you so,_ but none came. His roommate just looked so… sad. 

On the coffee table that had previously been home to whatever research Jawn had been doing (Awsten didn’t ever want to know what Jawn had typed into the search bar about him) were spread several takeout bags from Chipotle. Otto busied himself peeking inside them and then passing them out. 

“We’re waiting on Lucas, Travis, and Zakk,” Geoff told Jawn, “and Gracie and his parents are going to Skype us in a little while.” 

“Um,” Awsten muttered to Alex, “what the hell is this? A surprise party?”

“No,” Alex replied, but he didn’t elaborate.

“What if he wakes up and sees all this?” Geoff murmured. 

“Then we hide the papers and tell him I just invited you guys over to hang out.” A hint of bitterness crept into Jawn’s voice. “And we ask if he wants anything to eat, and he says no, an then we ask if he wants to stay and talk, and he says no to that, too, and then he goes back into his room, and it’s like nothing ever happened.” 

Otto’s hands had stilled. “Jawn, it’s not his fault.” 

“I know.”

“I… I blame him, sometimes, too, but… it’s not his fault. Not really.”

“I know, Otto,” Jawn sighed.

“So,” Geoff said softly, drawing their attention away from the tension, “do you guys have your letters?” 

“Yeah,” Jawn replied, and Otto tugged a folded piece of notebook paper out of his pocket as proof.

“Okay, good. Me, too.” 

There was a gentle knock at the apartment door a few moments later, and Otto went to let Lucas and Zakk in. 

“Travis texted,” Zakk informed the group. “He’s like two minutes away.” 

Geoff slid the remaining Chipotle bags in their direction and let them sort through to find their food. Then he turned his attention to Jawn, who had just barely been picking at his dinner. “Hey. You good?” 

Jawn nodded and tried to smile. Geoff set a hand on Jawn’s back and started to slide it up and down, which prompted Jawn to exhale heavily, his shoulders collapsing out of the rigid hold he’d had them in. 

“Just relax,” Geoff encouraged softly. “It’s okay. He’ll be okay.” 

Jawn murmured something in response, but it was too quiet for Awsten to hear, so he slid forward toward the couch.

“Yep, that’s why we’re here.” Geoff waited a few seconds and then leaned down a little. “Hey.” 

Jawn turned to look at him.

“You’re not alone anymore, okay? We’re all here for you guys. We’re going to help you.”

Very suddenly, Jawn’s arm shot out and wrapped tightly around Geoff’s shoulders, pulling him in close. The chatter in the rest of the room quickly died down, and everyone watched as Geoff’s hands lifted to comfort Jawn with a hug. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Jawn admitted breathlessly. 

“We’ll focus on the intervention,” Geoff said confidently. “If something else has to be done, we’ll deal with that later. But right now, this is our best bet.”

“Intervention?” Awsten echoed, turning to Alex, who nodded grimly.

“They know what you’re planning. Well - they don’t _know_ it, but they think it. They… Jawn told Geoff how bad you’ve gotten; you heard that part. Geoff came over to babysit-”

Awsten rolled his eyes.

“-and started making phone calls, and he and Lucas pulled all of this together.” Alex pointed at Zakk then Otto. “He’s missing class right now to be here, and he called out of work; he lied to his boss, said he was sick.” 

“Fuck,” Awsten muttered.

The pair watched as Travis came into the space and was given food. He sat down beside Zakk and Lucas on the carpet.

“They care about you.” Alex looked up at him. “I know you think you don't matter to them or that they’ll be better off without you, but I promise you, dude, that’s _not_ the case.”

“Hey, so,” Geoff said loudly, and Alex motioned to the full room.

“Why don’t you just let them tell you?”

Awsten stilled, half expecting them all to turn around and look at him, but then Geoff continued.

“Awsten’s dad just texted me that they’re running a little behind, but he told us to go ahead and start. So if you guys can get your letters out, I think we should just go around and read them.” A beat passed. “Is there anybody that wants to go first?”

Lucas, who was seated on the ground and leaning casually back against the couch, lifted a hand.

“Okay, great,” Geoff said, sounding genuinely relieved. “Good. Um, so, we can just go in a circle, so Otto next, and then Jawn, and we’ll keep going. Does that work?”

Everyone nodded.

“You said it’s okay if they’re short, right?” Lucas checked.

“Yeah. It doesn’t matter how long they are,” Geoff confirmed.

“Okay, good. Um…” He awkwardly cleared his throat and then began. “Dear Awsten, I miss hanging out with you. We used to go to art galleries and do puzzles and get food, but I never see you anymore. Everybody’s worried about you. I am, too.”

Awsten looked down at the ground. Part of why Awsten liked Lucas so much was because he didn’t ever worry about anything.

“I would feel better if you got some help - whatever that looks like for you - and I’ll still be here if you need somebody.” He stopped short and then said, “Uh, then it says I love him. And that’s the end.” 

There was a moment where all the guys glanced around the circle at each other, trying to gauge of maybe they should clap or say something, but no one moved or spoke. 

“Okay, um. Otto?” Geoff prompted.

Otto nodded and opened his note. “Dear Awsten…” Otto let out a heavy breath and looked up at the ceiling. He stared for several seconds and then began rapidly blinking. “Sorry,” he muttered.

Jawn rested a hand on Otto’s arm. Awsten wordlessly crept forward and took a seat on the arm of the sofa so that he was sitting beside Geoff. His heart was aching, but he knew in his soul that it was important that he hear this.

Otto looked back down at the piece of paper he was holding and re-started. “Dear Awsten… I didn’t think being part of an intervention was something I’d ever have to do, but here I am. Here all of us are.”

Awsten shifted uncomfortably.

“I’m writing this letter to tell you that I think it’s time for you to get some help. I never wanted anything bad to happen to you, but this depression is here, and it’s way too big for you to deal with on your own. It’s been hard watching Jawn try to handle this by himself, and it’s extra tough because none of us know how to help either of you.” 

Otto faltered but then powered on.

“You’re my brother. But lately you haven’t been acting like it, because you can’t…” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You can’t even get out of bed. So please get help. We will be supporting you the whole time. I…” He lifted a hand to cover his eyes. “I love you. And I miss my brother.”

Awsten wished more than anything that he could reach out and wrap Otto in a hug and promise him that everything would go back to normal soon, but he knew that wasn’t an option at the moment. And he didn't even know whether it was true.

“Okay, thanks, Otto. Um, Jawn?” Geoff asked.

“Yeah.” Jawn looked out at the group as he warned, “I’m never gonna get through this shit without fucking crying so just… bear with me.” He swallowed and then nodded. “Okay. Okay, um…” He blew out a short puff of air and then muttered to himself, “Here goes.” Back at normal volume, he began, “Awsten - I’m feeling so much right now that I don’t even know where to start. These last few weeks have been…” 

_Awful,_ Awsten filled in mentally, but then Jawn was pressing a hand over his mouth because tears had flooded his eyes.

“…the hardest of my life, but I know they’ve been even worse for you. Every day, I hope that I’ll hear you walking around or that you’ll eat something.” His voice wobbled. “Those are my biggest dreams right now.” 

Awsten’s guilt twisted uncomfortably in his stomach. Zakk stood up and walked out.

“I promise you, I have done-” Jawn let out a sob - “everything I can, but it’s not enough, and I’m so s-sorry…” He dropped the paper and buried his face in his hands, the tears coming in a flood. 

Everyone seemed to move toward Jawn all at once, even Awsten. 

“It’s okay. Today is the last day, okay?” Geoff soothed, his hand easily resuming rubbing Jawn’s back. “He’s gonna get better.”

“I want him back _now_ ,” Jawn sobbed. 

“We’ll get him back,” Lucas promised at the same time Geoff said, “I know,” and Otto agreed, “Me, too.” 

Awsten’s hands trembled as he crouched in front of Jawn, watching him cry. He felt so helpless… but he was the problem. This whole fucking thing was entirely his fault. “I’m sorry, Jawn,” Awsten whispered. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Jawn let himself cry for a moment and then sniffed hard and said, “Fuck, guys. I’m so tired, and it’s really not helping…”

Zakk came back just then with a box of tissues. He held them out to Jawn.

“Thanks,” Jawn murmured, pulling two out of the top and wiping his eyes. 

Otto reached over and grabbed one, too. 

Jawn softly blew his nose and then said, “Okay. I’m ready.”

All of them settled back into their seats, the circle much tighter than it had been when they started. 

“Let me find my place. Um…” He scanned the page. “It’s not enough, and I’m so sorry. I’ve been asking you for weeks to let me take you to the doctor, but I’m not asking anymore. I’m telling, because I talked to someone on the phone that told me I should take you to the emergency room. You can’t take care of yourself, and that’s a serious medical problem - one that I’m not qualified to treat.”

Otto nodded.

“I’m only saying this because you’re my best friend and I love you - you need help, Awsten. If you keep going like this, you’re going to die. You’ll either starve or k-”

He burst into a fresh round of tears. Both Geoff and Otto reached out to comfort him as he kept reading.

“S-starve or k-kill yourself,” he repeated, his voice shaking while tears streamed down his cheeks, “and I can’t lose you. I don’t know what I would do. I know it’s a lot to ask of you right now because you feel so bad, but we need to go talk to somebody. Today. I’ll go in with you if you want, or you can go by yourself if that’s better, but we can’t live like this anymore. I love you so much. Always. Love, Jawn.”

“That was great, Jawn,” Travis encouraged softly. 

“Yeah, you did good,” Lucas agreed. 

"Thanks, guys." Jawn sniffed again. “Your turn,” he said to Geoff. 

“Alright,” Geoff whispered. He looked out at the circle of his friends and then turned his eyes down to the ripped paper in his hands. Awsten looked at the page and followed along as Geoff read the smudged pencil.

“Dear Awsten, You’ve been my best friend for six years. We have seen the best days of our lives together, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. You made me who I am today. I’ll never forget randomly dr….”

Everyone looked over as Geoff stopped talking in an effort to try to control his feelings. Awsten was alarmed; in all these years, he’d only ever seen Geoff cry once, and it had been a terrible, terrible day. He didn’t think his situation deserved that same kind of emotion.

“Driving through Louisiana with you.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I didn’t think I was physically capable of laughing so much. But you taught me that I am. I feel like you’ve taught me everything.” He swiped at his nose. “Lately, I haven’t seen you. It started out with you cancelling plans and then ignoring my texts, and now you refuse to see me at all. And that really hurt. I thought I meant more to you than that.” 

_You do,_ Awsten wanted to assure him. _So much more-_

“But then once Jawn admitted to me what was happening - what was _really_ happening - I realized that none of it was your fault. Awsten, _this isn’t your fault._ ”

Awsten bowed his head, his eyes suddenly full of tears of his own.

“You may not want to tell me what happened, or maybe you tried and I missed it, or it may be right in front of me and I still may not understand. Or maybe nothing happened at all and your body just isn’t cooperating right now. Whatever the case, I still love you.”

Awsten stifled a quiet sob.

“Just as much as I did before this happened. Maybe more, because I’m realizing what it’s like to lose you. I’m realizing just how much you mean to me now that I don’t have you anymore.”

Awsten covered his face. “I hate this,” he told Alex brokenly. “How much longer?”

Alex didn’t respond.

“And I’m realizing that if we - your best friends and your family - don’t step up to fight for you, no one is going to. You’re not capable of fighting for yourself right now, and that’s okay. We won’t let you down. I love you-”

Awsten got up from his perch and rushed back into his bedroom, slamming the door shut again. Of course, that didn’t stop Alex from reclaiming his seat on Awsten’s bed. 

“Why are you making me watch this?!” he demanded for the second time that day.

“You need to know how they feel,” Alex replied calmly. “It’s important.”

“No, it’s not! I don’t want to see this! I just want to kill myself and fucking be done, okay?” 

“I know,” Alex nodded. 

“This is just making me feel worse!” He glared at Alex accusingly. “You’re making me feel worse!” 

Alex nodded again. “I know,” he repeated. 

“Then why? What the hell are you doing?!” 

“What I wish someone had done for me before I…”

Awsten stopped yelling. “Wait.”

Alex looked down at his hands. “Yeah. I, um… That's how I died. I killed myself.” 


	4. The Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting. 
> 
> Forewarning - this gets intense.

“Killed yourself?” Awsten echoed in shock. “What? Why? You’re… you’re just a kid!”

“It doesn’t matter. No one can change it now.”

“Shit, dude, I’m _really_ sorry.” 

Alex nodded. “Yeah, um. Me, too, actually.” He forced smile. “But like I said, it’s done now, and we have to move on. I can’t do anything to erase it.” He looked back at Awsten, his face serious. “But you can. You don’t need to end things the way I did.” 

Awsten shook his head. “I know what I have to do.” 

“But you don’t.”

“You don’t know how I feel,” he shot back. “You - actually, no. You _do_ know how I feel. You know _exactly_ how I feel.” 

Alex nodded.

“So for you to stand there and tell me that the relief I’m gonna get when this is finally fucking over isn’t gonna mean anything?” He scoffed. “That’s bullshit, dude.”

“I didn't say that. The relief is great.” Alex slowly shrunk into himself. His voice was quiet. “But after a couple minutes, it’s gonna go really, really bad. And you’re gonna be so fucked up you're gonna start begging God to let you go back.” 

Awsten looked at him through narrowed eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I should warn you... this is the worst part.” 

“But you’re gonna show me anyway, right?” Awsten sighed. 

“No, Awsten, this is-”

“Just show me.” 

“Are you sure you don't want me to expl-”

“Let’s get this over with.”

Alex nodded gravely. “Okay.” 

Immediately, the bedroom darkened a few shades to pitch black, and the door slowly creaked open. 

“Aws?” came Jawn’s soft voice. “Hey, Awsten, there’s some people here to see you. They wanna say hi for a minute. Can you come out?” He leaned against the doorjamb, staring at Awsten’s real form under the covers. “I know you can hear me. Listen, you don’t even have to get dressed, okay? Just come out the way you are. They won’t touch you or anything if you don’t want. Promise.” 

The Awsten in the bed didn’t respond.

Jawn wrinkled his nose. “Dude, did you puke? It reeks in here.” He moved forward toward the source of the smell and instinctively covered his mouth and nose when he saw the vomit on the sheets. “Why didn’t you call me?” Careful to stay away from it, he sank down onto the bed beside Awsten. “You don’t have to be embarrassed,” he said, half-whispering as his hand found Awsten’s shoulder and gave it a light jostle. 

Nothing.

“Hey, come on, man. There’s people out there for you. Stop ignoring me. _Awsten_.” 

As the invisible Awsten across the room realized what was happening, he grabbed onto Alex’s elbow. “Oh my God, no,” he muttered. “No, no, no, not Jawn…”

“Yeah.” 

“Not Jawn!” He turned desperately to Alex. “Please, any of them but him. Any of them!”

“We don’t get to choose.”

“I don’t want to watch this,” Awsten decided, and he tried to leave, but his feet were firmly planted to the ground. The anxiety fluttering in his chest quickly turned to panic.

“You can’t get away from this one. I’m sorry. He needs you to see this.”

“I don’t want to,” Awsten pleaded.

“I know. But he needs you to.”

“Alex-”

“Awsten!” Jawn said sharply, drawing their attention. “Awsten, wake up!” He stared down at Awsten for a long moment, and then he leaned down, shoving two fingers by the base of Awsten’s nose. He held them there for several seconds before retracting his hand and shakily standing up. He stumbled back one step, two steps, three, and then covered his face with both of his hands. 

The room was silent. 

Awsten could hear quiet conversation going on out in the hallway, could hear the air conditioner humming overhead and a car passing on the street below, could hear a bird outside, singing without a care in the world. 

And then Jawn screamed. The quiet was shattered by the sound, which was so loud that Awsten flinched even though he’d been expecting it. 

“Fuck,” Awsten hissed, tears flooding his eyes as his best friend lost all control of himself and gave in to the terror. 

Jawn sank to his knees, still screaming through the hands pressed over his face. He folded forward until his forehead pressed to the floor, and the door flung wide open. 

Lucas stormed in, followed by Geoff. But as soon as Lucas saw Jawn on the ground, he turned around and pressed a hand to the center of Geoff’s chest. “Get out of here,” he said evenly. 

“No!”

“Yes. You don’t need to see this, Geoff. Get out of here. I’ll take care of it.”

“No, no! That’s- he- he’s m-!”

“I _know_. You call 911. Let me handle this.”

They were both having to yell to be heard over Jawn’s agonized cries. 

Awsten noticed Otto hovering at door just in front of Zakk. Travis was frozen to his spot on the couch, too afraid to see what was going on but, somehow, already aware.

"Geoff, get OUT!"

Otto and Zakk began working together to pull Geoff, who was now screaming as loudly as Jawn (“ _Let me see him! I can help him! Let me in! Fuck you, Lucas! Fuck you! AWSTEN!_ ”), out of the room. 

Lucas shut the door behind himself, ignored Jawn still screaming in the corner, and roughly lifted Awsten out of his bed, smearing his own arm through the cold, wet vomit in the process. He laid him down on the floor and whispered, "Don't you fucking die on me," just before he dove in to start CPR.

Outside the door, Geoff was still shouting, and Zakk had begun yelling right back. Otto slipped inside, staring at Lucas as his hands thudded mercilessly against Awsten’s chest over and over and over again. He tore his gaze away and moved over to Jawn, setting his hands on Jawn’s shoulders and helping him to stand.

“Come on,” Otto whispered, leaning in to be heard over Jawn’s terrible shrieks.

“Did somebody call 911?” Lucas asked him, not looking away from what he was doing. 

“Shit, I don’t know-”

“Call, _now._ ”

“Okay.”

“No, NOW,” he instructed, the heels of his hands still driving deep into Awsten’s chest. “Let go of him, and fucking call.”

Otto obeyed, grabbing for his phone and stepping out of the room. 

“Jawn, you’re okay. Everything’s gonna be okay,” Lucas said calmly. 

“He’s dead,” Jawn sobbed.

“I’m working on it,” Lucas said shortly, shaking his head.Then, to himself, “…twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine - thirty.” He lightly pinched Awsten’s nose and opened his mouth wide, ducking down to breathe a massive breath into his mouth. Then he inhaled again and exhaled that into Awsten’s mouth as well.

Nothing happened.

"Awsten, you gotta wake up, man," Lucas said loudly as he started the chest compressions over again.

“FUCKING LET ME SEE HIM!” came Geoff’s voice from out in the hall. 

“He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead…” Jawn moaned. 

Awsten, who had been watching all of this in a state of shock, finally came to his senses and sank down onto the floor beside Jawn. He tried to rest a hand on his back, but it went right through him as if Jawn wasn’t even there. Jawn let out a distressed wail, and Awsten very suddenly burst into tears. 

“Alex, please, make it stop,” he begged, turning his face up to look at the angel. “Please. Please, I’ll do anything-”

“If you go through with killing yourself, this is what’s going to happen,” Alex told him firmly, “and you’re going to be stuck watching it. And not like this - you’ll watch it over and over again, from each person’s perspective. This is Jawn’s. If you do this, you’ll have to watch Geoff’s, and Lucas’, and Otto’s, and Travis’, and Zakk’s before it stops. But then you’ll have to watch your mom get the phone call about what happened, and you’ll have to watch her tell your dad and your little sister that you’re dead, and-”

“Okay!” Awsten interrupted. “Okay, I get it! I won’t kill myself! Please, just - _help them!_ ” he cried, motioning to Jawn screaming on the carpet, Lucas performing CPR with a blank expression on his face, and the chaotic yelling outside the door. 

“Do you swear not to kill yourself?”

“I swear!” Awsten shouted, a wild sob bursting out of him. “Please make it stop!” 

“If you end your life, this is their reality. There is no making it stop.”

“I know!” 

“Look at me,” Alex commanded, and Awsten looked away from his inconsolable best friend to the dead kid standing in front of him. “God has a plan for your life. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Don’t take the pills. Don't kill yourself.”

“Okay! I promise! I won’t!”

Alex nodded once. “You have been warned. Good luck, Awsten.” 

And everything went quiet. 

Alex was gone.

The scene continued for a moment, but it was as if someone had muted a television. The picture still played. 

Awsten crawled away from Jawn and over to Lucas, but his focus wasn’t on the other man. It was on himself. 

Awsten's physical body was limp like a rag doll, his head lolling back and forth as Lucas thumped incessantly on his chest. Piss had spilled down the side of Awsten's leg, like his bladder had let go with the rest of him. But that wasn’t the worst part.

Awsten had died with his eyes open. 


	5. The Present Again

Awsten bolted up in bed, his heart pounding in his chest, his lungs gasping for air. He was gross again - he could feel it. Still, there was something much more pressing than his oily hair and bad breath. 

“Jawn!” he croaked, but there was no way his roommate could have heard him. He forced himself out from under the sheets, muscles groaning. When he stood too quickly, his vision clouded with purple splotches; he collapsed down onto the bed but only paused for a moment before forcing himself back up and toward the door. It took him two tries to turn the knob because his hands were shaking so hard. 

He stepped out of his room and blinked into the white light. 

There was a hushed gasp and then sudden silence in the apartment as Awsten’s hands came up to press against his forehead, blocking out the brightness. Once the sharp pain eased after a few seconds, Awsten took his fingers down and realized that instead of just Jawn there, all of Awsten’s friends had occupied the space. Zakk was frozen in the process of passing out tissues to Jawn and Otto, both of whom had bloodshot eyes. Geoff was parked on the couch beside them, and Travis and Lucas sat across from him. There were Chipotle bags strewn around the room. 

It was Geoff that spoke first.

“Awsten?”

“I… J-Jawn,” he stuttered, and Jawn stood and started towards him. “I’m sorry,” Awsten whispered, trying his hardest not to cry.

“Are you okay?” Jawn asked worriedly. “What are you doing out of bed? What do you need? I’ll get it for you.”

“Help,” Awsten weakly begged.

“Yeah, I’ll help you. What do you need?”

“No, I-” Awsten closed his eyes as Jawn got to him and rested his warm hands against the sides of his arms. Two tears streamed down Awsten’s cheeks. 

“No, heyyy,” Jawn whispered, bending his knees slightly and leaning another few inches closer. 

With a burst of courage and a trembling voice, Awsten confessed, “I was going to kill myself tomorrow, but I don’t want to anymore.” 

Jawn’s eyes were wide. “What?”

Awsten just looked at him helplessly.

“We won’t let you,” Jawn promised, shaking his head. He pulled Awsten forward into his arms.

Awsten nodded and melted against his chest, and he added, “I was gonna do it the other day, but I was too tired." His voice was muffled against Jawn’s shoulder.

Jawn gripped Awsten as tightly as he could, as though it would protect him somehow. “Fuck. I’m so glad you didn’t,” he breathed. 

“Me, too,” Awsten agreed with a sob. His weak hands lifted to wrap around Jawn’s neck while Jawn began to stroke his back.

“We’re gonna get help, okay? You’re not gonna feel like this anymore.”

“I’m s-sorry,” Awsten pleaded, unable to picture anything but Jawn screaming hysterically on the floor. He hugged Jawn as best he could with his tired limbs. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry.” 

Jawn was crying, too, when he responded, “I know you didn’t. I know. But it’ll be better now. We’ll get help for you, okay?” 

Awsten nodded. “I l-love you,” he whimpered.

“I love you, too,” Jawn said through a sob.

“Awsten,” came a soft voice, and Awsten looked up to see Geoff standing there, looking at him through worried blue eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Awsten pleaded again, and Jawn reluctantly let go of Awsten so Geoff could have a turn. Awsten half-fell toward him, but Geoff quickly caught him in strong arms and wrapped him up tightly. 

“It’s not your fault,” Geoff breathed, just for Awsten’s ears. 

The last bit of dignity Awsten was holding on to slipped out of his hands, and Awsten collapsed with it, letting Geoff take on all of his weight as he lost himself in the crying. “I’m just tired,” he lied tearfully. 

“Okay,” Geoff whispered back, but Awsten could tell from his tone that Geoff didn’t believe him. “That’s okay. I love you.”

“I love you,” Awsten sobbed back.

It was a revolving door of hugs, then - Otto and then Travis and then Zakk and finally Lucas, who didn’t show any emotion or have any words to share but did hold onto Awsten for several seconds longer than usual. 

With hardly any discussion, Geoff loaded Jawn and Awsten into the backseat of his car, and the three of them set off for the hospital immediately. 

“I’m so proud of you for telling me,” Jawn murmured to Awsten as they drove. He picked up Awsten's hand and held it. 

“I didn’t have a choice,” Awsten stated. 

“Yes, you did,” Jawn countered. “You always have a choice, and you made the right one.” He started gently rubbing his thumb over the back of Awsten's hand. “You chose brave.”

 

* * *

 

Awsten toyed absently with the bracelet on his left wrist as he waited for the door to open. He’d been waiting for Tuesday since he got to the hospital on Thursday, because Tuesday was the first day he was allowed to have visitors. 

In all honesty, it had been beneficial being away from everything; there was no enabling at the medical center. Awsten hadn’t even realized how many damaging behaviors he’d been able to engage in at the apartment. But it had also been hard. He missed being around the people he loved. 

The loud buzzing noise sounded, and Awsten looked up from the paper bracelet as the heavy door swung open. 

“Awsten?” Rob, his day nurse, called. “I think the Queen is here to see you.”

Awsten gave him a half-hearted attempt at a smile. 

“No, wait, just these two handsome male models.” 

Geoff and Jawn came in, both with lime green stickers on their shirts declaring VISITOR. Awsten’s lips broke into a tired grin. 

“Hey!” Geoff beamed.

Jawn, on the other hand, was quiet. He rushed forward to Awsten, wrapping him tightly in a hug. “You look great,” he said sincerely, and Awsten couldn’t help but notice the tiny waver in his voice. Jawn squeezed him tighter and exaggeratedly sniffed him. “Mmm, and you finally smell decent again. Like a hospital, but I’ll take it over B.O. and halitosis.”

“Shut up,” Awsten muttered. 

“I’m just teasing,” Jawn said softly back. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of Awsten’s head, and Awsten’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. Jawn added, “Missed you.”

“Missed you, too.”

As Jawn stepped out of the way, Geoff bent down in front of Awsten and spent several seconds taking in every detail of his face. 

Awsten shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “What?”

Geoff shook his head. “You look tired. Are you okay?”

Awsten nodded. 

“Okay.” Geoff leaned up for a hug, which Awsten returned. He closed his eyes and rested his cheek against Geoff’s shoulder. 

An iPhone camera shutter sounded, and Awsten looked up. 

“Sorry,” Jawn said sheepishly, slipping the phone back into his pocket. “I just - I promised everyone I’d take a picture so they could all see you.” He sat down in the chair next to Awsten’s and prompted, “So, how are you doing?” 

“I’m… okay.” 

“Do you like it here?” Geoff wondered.

“Yeah, it's fine.” Awsten swallowed. “Um, while you’re here - I wanted to apologize to you guys. Especially to you, though, Jawn. I… I let it get so bad. And-”

“It’s okay,” Jawn assured.

“No, it’s not okay, and, um… I didn’t realize how bad it was until you brought me to the emergency room. I thought we were just going to see one of the doctors here or something, but you guys took me there, and then they admitted me right away. And even though I wanted to do everything by myself and it was fucking embarrassing as fuck, I still had to have help with basically everything. Even taking a shower.” He looked down in shame. “And like. I’m so glad that I’m able to make changes to that shit now, but…” He chanced a glance up at Jawn. “I put you through so much. I basically had you be my caretaker. And you’re not trained for that, and even if you were, you didn’t sign up to do that for me. You just wanted to be my friend. And I made you do so much more than that, and I’m so sorry.”

Jawn nodded. “Thank you. I’d do it all again, but…” He nodded again, repeating, “Thank you. It was really hard. I know it wasn’t your fault. But it was really, really fucking hard.” 

“And I was a bitch to you.” 

Jawn cracked a hesitant smile.

“Um, they started me on meds, though, so hopefully that bullshit never happens again. But they’re also teaching me, like. What signs to pay attention to and what to do if I start feeling bad.”

“That’s great, Awsten,” Geoff murmured encouragingly.

Awsten nodded. “The medicine won’t start working for another week or so, but they said it’s building up in my system.”

“And the therapy?” Jawn asked. “How’s that going?”

Awsten shrugged. “It’s not that bad. I mean, it’s hard. But it’s not, like. Terrible.” He waved a hand. “I don’t want to talk about me, though. How are you guys?”

“Awsten-”

“Please. They make me talk about myself all day in here.” 

“Wait,” Jawn pleaded, “I just have one more question.”

Awsten sighed quietly. “Okay.” 

“When do I get my roommate back? I fucking hate living alone.”

Awsten smiled. “Soon. A couple more days, probably. Maybe a week. They want me to still come for more therapy here after I leave - they have a partial hospitalization thing. They’ve been talking to me about it a little, cause I asked about going home, too.”

“What’s it like?” Jawn inquired.

“I would come here in the morning and do therapy stuff til like two o’clock, and then I’d go home. It would just be for a week or two, and then I'd see a regular therapist. Or a psychiatrist, I guess.”

“That’s great,” Geoff repeated.

It was Awsten's turn to look back at him carefully, studying the urgent sincerity in his eyes. “I’m okay. I’m not perfect, but I’m… I’ll get back to where I used to be, I guess; they keep telling me that. But you look like you have a question, too.”

Geoff nodded. “I just, uh. I’ve been wanting to know, like. Why you told when you did.”

“Told…?”

“That you wanted to…” Geoff trailed off, looking embarrassed.

“Oh. Um…” Awsten paused as an image of Alex flickered in his head. 

“Don’t lie,” Jawn hurried to say before Awsten could answer. “I’ve been wondering, too.”

Awsten pressed his lips together. “Um, I guess I just kind of saw a sign not to.”

“What kind of sign?” 

_A fucking neon sign._ Awsten shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not dead, and that’s what counts.” 

Geoff looked a little disappointed in the answer, but Jawn nodded firmly. “That’s right. That’s what counts.” He stood suddenly again and walked around the corner of the table to wrap Awsten up in his arms. “I love you so much.”

Awsten tilted his head into his best friend and murmured, “I love you, too.”

 


End file.
